


Choices

by Heavenly_Bodies



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Schmoop, hallucinations from said illness, temporary alien illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-20
Updated: 2015-09-20
Packaged: 2018-04-22 14:41:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4839233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heavenly_Bodies/pseuds/Heavenly_Bodies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Eight hours ago Bones was grumbling- in that way Jim knew to be good naturedly, the lack of expletives was the first give-away- about not understanding why he was even down on the planet. Now Jim was hovering, virtually on top of M’Benga, but he wasn’t paying any attention to the doctor’s actions, all he had eyes for were the man on the bed and the readouts above him. </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Choices

**Author's Note:**

> comment fic in response to [this pic set](http://jim-and-bones.livejournal.com/1194291.html). FYI- [Jim_and_Bones](http://jim-and-bones.livejournal.com) is a locked comm.

It was no great secret that Jim hated Sickbay, well, unless he was there to spend time with Bones, which everyone knew was a regular occurrence. Today, however, nothing short of a Klingon attack could get him out of Sickbay.

Eight hours ago they were enjoying the hospitality of the Se’rean High Council. Eight hours ago Bones was grumbling- in that way Jim knew to be good naturedly, the lack of expletives was the first give-away- about not understanding why he was even down on the planet. Now Jim was hovering, virtually on top of M’Benga, but he wasn’t paying any attention to the doctor’s actions, all he had eyes for were the man on the bed and the readouts above him. It was just wrong, Jim was the one who was supposed to be on that bed after a mission, he was the one who had the knack for finding trouble even when he was doing his damnedest to avoid it.

“Captain,” M’Benga’s soothing voice grated against Jim’s ears. “Can I get you anything?” The doctor knew better than to attempt to get their captain to leave their CMO’s bedside. The entire crew knew how the two men felt about each other, though there was an ongoing and rather fervent debate as to whether _they_ knew it or were intentionally being obtuse. Two of the smartest and most talented officers in Starfleet and two of the most emotionally fractured.

“No, Geoff, thanks.” 

M’Benga stopped as he made to leave the two and turned, “Jim, Leonard is going to make it. The Se’reans sent us everything they had on the toxin and Leonard’s responding to the treatment wonderfully.”

“It’s not the treatment I’m worried about. It’s…” Jim couldn’t say it. He could barely think about it. Apparently the toxin didn’t only affect the body, it attacked the mind- showing its victims two realities, one that was true and one that could’ve been. Jim knew that Starfleet was never where Bones’ wanted to be, Bones wanted his feet on the ground, preferably in Georgia before everything went to Hell for him. If his mind tempted him with that he honestly didn’t know if Bones would come back to him.

M’Benga understood without Jim finishing, he came to stand in front of Jim and squeezed his shoulder and looked him dead in the eye, saying, “He’s coming back. This is where he wants to be.”

Jim sank back heavily into the chair he’d pulled from Bones’ office once M’Benga left. He wished he could believe, but what was here for Bones? A ‘tin can’ that he hated, space which he loathed, a best friend who was constantly proving more trouble than he was worth. Sighing, Jim rubbed his face; thinking like that was not going to help. “You’d better come back to me, you cantankerous ass,” he said, rubbing his thumb gently over Bones’ knuckles.

\---------

‘What the Hell is going on?’ Bones’ head hurt, he felt like his brain was being split in two.

“You have to choose,” a familiar voice answered the question Bones was sure he hadn’t voiced.

“Jim?”

“You need to choose,” the voice said again.

“What’re you talking about, Jim?” Bones asked trying to get his eyes to focus. Once they did, Bones looked up to see two sets of blue eyes watching him intently. He gulped and tried to wrap his head around the fact that there were two Jim Kirks in front of him.

“One world…” one Jim said.

“…or the other,” the second Jim finished.

“Stop talking in riddles, whoever you are,” Bones growled.

“You know who we are.”

“There’s no way you wouldn’t.”

“There’s only one Jim Kirk, so why should I know you?” he snapped.

They both smiled a textbook Jim smile that made Bones blood run cold.

“Think back…”

“What do you really remember?”

With those words Bones was bombarded with images. Meeting Jim on the shuttle from Riverside. The first of Jim’s birthdays they shared- finding Jim roaring drunk at the seediest bar in San Francisco, dragging him back to his dorm, and hypoing him into a nearly restful sleep. The moment he realized he was in love with Jim. The look on Jim’s face after his second Kobayashi Maru. Their first day back on Earth after the Narada when Jim hugged him and smiled a smile that held so much more than the brotherly friendship they had. Their first day back on Earth after the Narada when Jim hugged him, patting him on the back silently telling him how much his faith had meant. The first time Jim wound up fighting for his life in Bones’ Sickbay and how Bones had refused to leave his side until Jim had opened his eyes, all the while cursing Jim up one side and down the other if he thought he’d get away with dying on him. The first time Jim wound up fighting for his life in Bones’ Sickbay and how Bones had refused to leave his side holding his hand, calling Jim ‘darlin’’, whispering all the plans they’d made for when they retired and cursing Jim up one side and down the other if he thought he’d get out of it by dying on him. Pike. Khan. Warp cores… losing the most important thing in his life and snatching him back. He and Jim moving into their apartment in San Francisco. He and Jim helping each other move into their apartments.  
More and more images and double images, memories of two different worlds close enough to be twins.

“You need to choose soon, Bones.”

“Don’t call me that! Only Jim gets to call me that.”

“So you’ve chosen,” the other Jim said with a smug twinkle in his eyes.

“Not hardly.” Bones crossed his arms over his chest watching the two Jims closely. “What happens if I choose wrong?”

“As far as you’re concerned- nothing…”

“…you will live out your days in the world of your choosing.”

“But for the world you came from…”

“…you will be lost to them.”

“How the Hell am I supposed to know which is which when you’ve been whippin’ my brain ‘round like sugar in a cotton candy machine?” Bones demanded.

Both Jims laughed.

“Which do you wish to be real?” they asked simultaneously.

Bones huffed, thoroughly unamused. On one hand, there was a world where he had Jim… a world he could barely believe in, but wasn’t it always Jim who made him believe he could and deserved to be happy. On the other, there was a world where he was Jim’s best-friend… something that wouldn’t be destroyed by a relationship going down in flames. If he chose the world where Jim was his best-friend and nothing more and was wrong it would kill Jim. Bones knew that in any world Jim loved all or nothing- it was one of the reasons Jim had avoided relationships for his entire life- and if he and Bones _were_ together and Bones left, especially like this, he held no illusions as to the damage it would do to Jim. Of course, if he chose the world where they were lovers that might damn Jim all the same. Bones gave a half grunt, half chuckle- even in his own head Jim was infuriating him.

\---------

“Captain,” Uhura spoke softly not wanting to startle him. 

Jim looked up from where he was half dozing with Bones’ hand pressed to his cheek.

“You should get some rest, I’ll stay with him.” Uhura knew she had better chances of getting Leonard to rest when it was Jim on one of these beds than she had getting Jim to.

“Thanks, but, I wouldn’t be able to sleep anyway.”

Uhura sat down and put a delicate hand on Jim’s knee. “Jim, he’s going to choose you.”

Jim snorted derisively. “If he comes back, it won’t be _me_ he chooses. I may be a self-important egomaniac, but even I wouldn’t go that far.”

“I don’t know whether to be angry or impressed. Of all the times to acknowledge your egotistic faults,” she stopped herself, shaking her head. “Jim, Leonard loves you. He has for years, just like you’ve been in love with him. A blind man could see it. He’s gonna come back and he’ll do it for you.” She stood and kissed Jim’s cheek. “Comm me when he wakes up.”

Jim nodded absently. As soon as she was gone Jim brought Bones’ hand back up to his face, brushing a soft kiss over Bones’ knuckles. “You better come back, Bones. I can’t… I need you.”

\---------

“Time’s running out…”

“…you must choose.”

“What do you mean ‘time’s running out’?” Bones demanded.

“Your body will soon be healed…”

“…a choice must be made.”

“And what happens if I don’t choose?”

“Pain,” the Jims said in unison.

“As opposed to the emotional rollercoaster you’re sending me on now.” Bones’ voice dripped sarcasm.

The Jims remained silent, looking almost sad.

They remained in the stand-off for several more long drawn out minutes, until twin, “I’m sorry”s broke the silence.

Before Bones could ask why, he doubled over in pain. It took him a moment to grit his teeth and fight against the searing through his chest, but once he had, he glared at the visions, the green in his eyes hard as emeralds, golden flecks sharp as topaz. “No,” he growled defiantly through clenched teeth.

\---------

Alarms sounded around Bones’ bed and as much as Jim yearned to grip Bones’ hand even tighter, to keep him from slipping away. Jim had the presence of mind to move so M’Benga and his staff could get to work. 

Jim watched in horrified fascination as M’Benga shouted out orders and the world outside of Bones’ writhing body and the incessant alarms dropped away.

“Jim,” Uhura’s voice called, seeming far away.

Then hands were on him and Jim was being hugged tightly, unthinkingly he returned the embrace, hearing a small, quiet sob ripped from someone in a voice that might have been close to his own.

Jim was held and rocked slowly, all the while Nyato whispered that Leonard would be okay, he’d pull through, and soon be scarring wet-behind-the-ears ensigns and berating the engineers ship wide. 

\---------

On his knees, doubled over, feeling as if was being simultaneously torn apart and crushed, Bones could barely think. He’d been in this excruciating torture for God knew how long, but he wasn’t going to choose. He might lose Jim altogether, but if he died at least Jim wouldn’t have to live with knowing Bones chose wrong- he always said he’d die before letting anything happen to Jim.

\---------

Jim let himself be held and comforted for a few more seconds, before pulling away and slipping into his ‘Captain’ face. He needed to be able to watch and listen to what was happening with Bones, and he’d be damned if it turned him into some simpering mess- at least until he got to his quarters and could drink himself into something approximating oblivion.

\---------

Writhing on the floor now, eyes squeezed tightly shut, and curled in on himself, Bones was barely conscious of the words flowing from his mouth- a near constant litany of JimJimJimJimJimJimJim.

A blot of searing, jagged pain, landed square in Bones back and he howled, reaching blindly out with a loud cry of “Jim!”

\---------

Jim’s head shot up seeking out Bones’ face, not trusting his ears to have heard the soft call of his name.

“Captain.” M’Benga waved him over with quick measured movements.

Before it had fully registered, Jim was standing next to the biobed, grasping onto the hand reaching out blindly towards him. “Bones.”

Slowly, much too slowly for Jim’s liking, Bones’ convulsions stopped and his readouts returned to normal. 

It was still two hours before Bones began to regain consciousness. Two hours Jim had to brood. But when his hand was squeezed and eyes fluttered opened, all thoughts other than Bones fell away like so much slag. “Bones,” Jim whispered, half afraid he’d fallen asleep.

Bones mouth worked slowly, as if remembering how to move. “Jim?”

“Right here, Bones.”

“I didn’t choose,” Bones rasped out.

Jim’s brow furrowed. “It’s okay, Bones. You’re okay.” He smoothed out the worry line across Bones’ forehead, resisting the need to kiss it away.

“I didn’t choose,” Bones mumbled again, shaking his head. He didn’t understand it. He knew he hadn’t chosen. He remembered reaching out and calling for Jim and someone grabbing his hand just before everything went blank. “Jim, they said I had to choose and I didn’t. Couldn’t do that to you… couldn’t…”

“Shhh, sleep, Bones, just sleep.” As Bones drifted back off, Jim could no longer resist pressing a soft kiss to Bones’ brow. Once he was sure Bones was asleep he opened a comm to Spock.

“Captain, how is Dr. McCoy?” Spock asked in what to someone without a trained ear would seem a cool, verging on disinterested voice.

“Sleeping,” Jim answered succinctly. “Commander, I need you to go through every scrap of information about this toxin again, contact the Se’reans if you need to.”

“Captain?”

“He keeps saying he didn’t choose. We need to know if there’s any way that’s possible. You know how McCoy is, he won’t trust himself or anyone around him if we can’t prove to him he’s back and this _is_ reality.” He tried to keep the concern out of his voice.

“Understood. Spock out.”

Jim inhaled a shaky breath, trying to calm his fears before he returned to Bones’ bedside. He was exhausted, this entire ordeal had lasted less than thirty-sex hours, but to Jim it felt like a week. Sitting down, Jim took Bones’ hand once again, letting his head fall back against the chair. Maybe he should try to get some sleep, Bones was back, alive and breathing, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t slept in much less comfortable places.

\------

“Spock to Kirk.” The comm net to Bones’ biobed chirped.

“Spock, any news?” Jim asked hopefully.

“I believe so. I’ve located a record from nearly a century ago that the Se’reans largely disregard,” Spock explained. “A young woman reportedly awoke from the toxin claiming she had refused to choose between the visions she was subjected to.”

“Send me the files.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Good work, Commander. Contact me if you find anything else.”

“Acknowledged,” Spock said and signed off.

Jim turned in Bones chair, deftly switching the hand holding Bones’ own as he pulled up the records and began reading. Slowly, a soft smile broke Jim’s face. This was perfect; exactly what he needed to prove to Bones that he got out from under the toxin’s influence without choosing. According to reports the girl, Lyr’ha, had been faced with two realities, as was to be expected, but she resolutely refused to claim one over the other as hers. When she had awoken, she was confused and terrified. The last thing she remembered before waking was indescribable pain, she was sure she would die and had made her peace with it. It was better to die outright than to risk crushing those around her with the wrong choice. Jim didn’t have to know the full extent of Bones’ experience to know Bones would’ve made the same decision. Sighing in satisfaction Jim sent the file to his PADD and turned his attention back to the one thing that truly mattered- Bones.

\------

“You’re gonna get a crick in your neck,” Bones voice poured over Jim as he stirred from his sleep.

“Bones.” Jim’s bright smile was like a balm for Bones nerves. “How’re you feeling?”

“Sore, but Geoff says it’ll pass.”

Jim’s brow furrowed. “M’Benga was here?”

“Just left. Told him not to wake you,” Bones gave a little half shrug as if it was no big deal to find his best-friend curled up clenching his hand, head resting on his sickbed.

“Don’t you ever do that to me again.”

Bones huffed. “You never listen when I tell you that.”

“This is kind of an extreme way to prove a point, even for you,” Jim half teased.

“What can I say, anything for my favourite patient.” Squeezing Jim’s hand, Bones locked eyes with Jim. “Wanna tell me about this?”

Jim tried to pull away, having forgotten his near constant grip on his friend’s hand.

Bones held tight, levelling Jim with a look that they both knew from long experience demanded that Jim cut the bullshit.

“I… damn-it, Bones, I didn’t think you’d come back and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do.”

“Jim, I’m not goin’ anywhere.” Shifting to a more comfortable position, Bones continued, “You know why I didn’t choose?”

Jim huffed out a pitiful excuse for a laugh. “Honestly, I have no idea.” He rubbed his thumb over the back of Bones’ hand. “I thought… I know space is the last place you want to be and given a choice you be back on Terra at home in Georgia. Christ, Bones, I didn’t think I’d see you again,” he admitted, trying to keep the hurt out of his voice.

“Jim, look at me,” he asked, using his free hand to tip Jim’s face towards him. “I’m not going anywhere,” Bones repeated his words, clearly and distinctly, holding Jim’s gaze, willing him to believe. “I did see two ‘realities’. Remembered more like. I didn’t choose, couldn’t choose ‘cause whichever ‘vision’ I chose, if I was wrong you’d… I could never do that to you, 

“Bones, you could’ve been happy.”

“Damn-it, Jim, who says I’m not happy? Who says this isn’t right where I wanna be?” Bones snapped the questions out.

“You hate space, you hate being on this ship… you’re only here ‘cause I browbeat you into it.”

“Jesus, you still really believe that. We’re gonna have to work on that non-existent self-worth of yours,” Bones said gently. “You didn’t browbeat me. I mean it when I say someone’s gotta keep your ass in one piece.” He raised a forestalling hand to keep Jim from interrupting. “I do that ‘cause I _want_ to. Get that through your damned, thick skull- I chose to be here, on this ship, with you.”

“You’re accepting that this is real more easily than I expected,” Jim intoned hesitantly. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what Bones was thinking at this point, he was already too raw and exposed.

“Well, someone left a little light reading on my chest when they fell asleep,” he said indicating the PADD that was now on the table next to them. “Lyh’ra refused to choose because she couldn’t hurt the people she loved. I know the feeling, intimately,” he said mirthlessly.

“Bones…” Jim’s voice was pained; he had read the report, read about the physical torment Lyh’ra had gone through and hadn’t wanted to think about Bones enduring anything like it. 

“You wanna know what the other reality I saw was?” Bones didn’t wait for an answer. “You and I were together, had been for years.” Bones smiled and brought their clasped hands to his lips to kiss the back of Jim’s. “And I’m thinkin’ maybe we’ve put it off long enough.”

He’d barely finished speaking before Jim had crawled onto the bed and began kissing him like a drowning man finding a fresh spring. Bones wrapped his arms around Jim and held him close. Jim was the only choice he could ever had made, in any reality, under any circumstances. Jim was his reality, always would be, probably had been since the day they met, and now they both knew it.


End file.
